I got mad at God today. [a journal entry on trust + surrender]

Hey y'all! Today, I wanted to share with you a little something I wrote a few weeks ago after I heard some difficult news. I want to invite you to join me in the moments leading up to surrender. I know sometimes from the outside looking in, it can seem like it's so easy for some people to surrender quickly. But that's not always the case: it can be really hard! I want this blog to be a place where you don't feel like you're the only one, and so today I'm sharing one of the harder processes of surrender I've walked through. ​

​​One quick thing to clarify before we start - it's okay to ask God questions. He's not scared of them, and I like to think He'd much rather us ask those tough questions and then walk through them with us than for us to just doubt and stay silent. But in the absence of answers may we still choose to trust Him (here's a really good song on that!). I'm praying this encourages you and that the Holy Spirit speaks to your heart through it :)

​
​I got mad at God today.
July 6, 2021

Let’s be honest for a minute…sometimes, I get mad at God.

Take this afternoon for example: I yelled at God today. I questioned Him, asking him why something was happening to people I loved dearly. A worship song came on, but I quickly turned it off. I couldn’t praise Him in that moment. I questioned His goodness, His plan, & His actions. Why, why, why??
​
As I cried (oh, sorry, I forgot I’m being honest — yea, it was definitely more like ugly sobbing) driving home from work today, my grandpa’s words to me from the day before echoed in my head:

“You [can] love the Bible and talking about God, but that doesn’t mean you have true faith. It’s in the hard times when you see if you have faith.”

And I realized…yea, I do love talking about God and reading His Word. But in this trial…could I praise Him? Could I trust Him?

Honest answer: No, I couldn’t.

So I cried out to the Lord for help. I wanted to trust Him & praise Him, but I couldn’t on my own strength. I couldn’t do it on my own— I was trying, & it wasn’t enough. So I cried out to God for strength.

And golly, I sure am glad God loves & wants to help us! He softened my heart, and through my tears, reminded me that even though I was surprised, He wasn’t. He knew about it already. He intended it for good. He has already taken care of it. His plans are good and He is still good. His will is rooted in his perfect love!

And so in the car on the road back home, I surrendered. Sometimes I just want to know all the answers & fix everything fast, but I think in reality, God deeply wants us to just have faith. To trust in Him— because in the end, life’s not about us. The things that come and go are all opportunities to glorify God. We’re gonna face trials (especially when we pray for them! 😅). But let us consider them pure joy…for it will produce steadfastness in us, which will make us mature & complete, lacking in nothing (James 1:3). I want that! Oh how I want that. But oh how hard the trials are!!

Good thing God is greater.
Good thing God is still faithful.
Good thing God is with us.
Good thing God is our sufficiency.

Yet I will praise you, Lord. (But please help me!!)

I pray that the way I respond to this trial glorifies God. I pray that I would count it all joy. I pray that I would cling to the Lord— to run towards Him, and not away.

Oh how I will need His help! But oh how cool it will be to look back and see how the Lord shaped & refined me through this 😌

Yet I will praise you, Lord.

“Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead.” (2 Cor. 1:9).

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” (James‬ ‭1:2-4‬)‬‬

“You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again.” ‭‭(Psalm‬ ‭71:20‬)‬‬

“Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my high places. To the choirmaster: with stringed instruments.” (Habakkuk‬ ‭3:17-19)
​
Yet I will praise you, Lord.


photo credit