 I played those final notes wrong. I passed all of those balls horribly today in practice. I missed every hit. I overcooked it again. I totally failed that speech. I didn't say enough. I said way too much. I didn't play those last notes right. For pretty much as long as I can remember, I've tied my performance, my talents and my outward appearance to my worth. I guess part of it is the fact that some people assume I'm "perfect" - and so when I'm not, (which is like all the time), I think I've lost who I am. I've subconsciously told myself basically that if I didn't play well, look cute and act right, no one would like me. And if no one liked me, I must be a...a failure. A nobody. Just another average person in the daily life. I had to stand out and do something admirable to be worthy and something. If I didn't play volleyball well or had an off-day, then I must be the worst player and no good and everyone would look down on me. If I wore my black-rimmed glasses and looked less than stellar and put together, then people wouldn't want to be around me. Boys would stop liking me. If I played those notes wrong on the worship night, nobody would want to play with me again. I'd lose their respect. Oookay, first of all...if people stop being my friend because I mess up or don't look good, what kind of friend is that?! Why am I fighting for a friendship that is centered around outward appearance? And is it really a true friendship if they only love me when I'm perfect? Do they love me for who I am or what I've achieved/look like? Do I really want a guy who only thinks I'm cute and that's ALL? What happens when I grow old? When it all boils down...this is a crazy, stressful, never-ending cause-and-effect war that I'm trying to win. I have to do well in order to amount to something. Ya know what that reminds me of? A works-based religion - not a grace-filled relationship with a loving God. Why am I letting these people define me? Why am I letting them put me in a box? Why am I letting them control what I can or can't do? I do mess up - a lot. But that doesn't define me. These past few weeks, God has really been reminding me and teaching me that my worth does NOT depend on what I do. It will NEVER depend on how I perform, play, or act. As I struggle through things that aren't easy for me and that I'm not the best at, it's been a CONSTANT fight to cling to the truth: only, only, ONLY God defines who I am. Not my actions, not other people. Not even me! I refuse to let them define me. Maybe I shanked (missed) every ball in practice today. So what? That doesn't define me. Maybe I rambled a bit (ok, a lot) in my impromptu speech. I refuse to let that define me. Maybe that guy likes her, and not me. That doesn't define who I am! Maybe I looked absolutely horrible and messy at church today - that doesn't define me. I refuse to let it define me. Maybe my close friend told me I wasn't a leader. That don't define me either, bruh. HOW WELL I DO WILL NEVER DEFINE ME. I REFUSE TO LET IT DEFINE ME. Maybe in the world's eyes, it does - but not in God's. Not in mine. Does it really matter what other people say? I mean, who has more power - the God who created you into existence or the person who was created, himself? Why are we letting others tell us who we are when only God knows our potential and our future and our unique design? I AM NOT DEFINED BY MY FAILURES. Remember: as far as the east is from the west, so far has God removed yoru sins! Check out this verse (read it ALL the way through! It's sooo good!!) "He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him." - Psalms 103:10-13 Wowww!! God is SO good. And He remembers your sins no more. Not even like, Oh, well, He sometimes remembers it, like once a year. NO. Like, NEVER AGAIN. His mercy is new for you every morning! He doesn't hold grudges. He doesn't define you by your failures. When He looks at you, He looks past all that. He sees Jesus in you. HE DEFINES YOU AND SEES YOU FOR WHO YOU REALLY ARE: HIS CHILD. HIS BELOVED. HIS REDEEMED. HIS OWN. BEAUTIFUL/ HANDSOME. WORTH IT. TALENTED. GIFTED. PERFECT. And when we think that we have to do all the right things in order to be loved and wanted and respected and worthy, we make it all about ourselves. Suddenly, everything is dependent on what I do. Everything is dependent on what YOU do. And suddenly there's all this guilt and pressure to do what's right. But that's not how we're supposed to live! We're wired to be glory seekers - seeking to bring GOD glory. Recently, I've been asking myself this one question a lot: What is your goal for today? My goal is to bring glory to God in everything I do today. It not only takes the weight off myself, but there is SO much freedom when we fix our perspective! God can be glorified in your accomplishments as well as in your mistakes, so long as you are doing it for His glory and not for your own! And here's the truth: it's not about you. It's not about me. It's all about bringing glory to God. so now go, and do NOT let ANYBODY define you. LET GOD DEFINE YOU. YOU ARE NOT YOUR FAILURES!! for more posts on identity/insecurity, click here.
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