the blog.
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"But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works."
Psalms 73:28 |
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 I played those final notes wrong. I passed all of those balls horribly today in practice. I missed every hit. I overcooked it again. I totally failed that speech. I didn't say enough. I said way too much. I didn't play those last notes right.
For pretty much as long as I can remember, I've tied my performance, my talents and my outward appearance to my worth. I guess part of it is the fact that some people assume I'm "perfect" - and so when I'm not, (which is like all the time), I think I've lost who I am. I've subconsciously told myself basically that if I didn't play well, look cute and act right, no one would like me. And if no one liked me, I must be a...a failure. A nobody. Just another average person in the daily life. I had to stand out and do something admirable to be worthy and something. If I didn't play volleyball well or had an off-day, then I must be the worst player and no good and everyone would look down on me. If I wore my black-rimmed glasses and looked less than stellar and put together, then people wouldn't want to be around me. Boys would stop liking me. If I played those notes wrong on the worship night, nobody would want to play with me again. I'd lose their respect.  Heyyy family! I just got back last week from Costa Rica and let me just say that God is SOOO GOOD. Like wow. I could go on and on about the trip, but I'ma save that for a later post (more like postss because there's soo much!!). Today, though, I wanted to share something that actually happened before I left.
When I was young, I was often by myself. We'd go to events or family dinners or parties, and I would be in the corner, alone. It wasn't necessarily that people didn't want me to join them. It may have been because I, as a shy kid, was too afraid to join. But I never thought of that then - I just kinda felt left out all the time and doubted myself. Even though I'm much older now, I still have scars from that. I still hurt from it (though not as much) It still pops up every now and then. Insecurity is so real and feeling left out is something that a ton of people feel but only a few talk about! A few days/weeks (I forget) before leaving on my trip, an image popped into my mind (no coincidence, fam!).  I fight back the tears, using anything I can as a cover up for the pain I feel inside. I push back the emotions, which are attempting to kidnap me, to the farthest corner of my mind and paste on a bright smile. I tell myself over and over that I'm wanted, but I feel like I'm lying to myself. I've been transported back to the past. I find myself hiding out in the corners again, alone. I push myself to work harder, to do something, anything, to force myself to stop thinking. To make myself immune to the feelings that constantly plague me. Inside, I'm crying non-stop. But once I see someone, I'm a completely different person. I'm happy. I'm bubbly. I'm friendly. Funny. Quirky. I'm a picture perfect person - or so I make them think. On the inside, there's pain. Doubt. Anger. Judgmental thoughts. Fear - lots of it. Sin- tons of it. Insecurity is a part of me as much as my lungs are part of my body. I make myself believe I'm part of the busy world that's going on around me - but really, I'm looking at them through a crystal-clear glass wall. I'm on one side, they're on the other.
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