I fight back the tears, using anything I can as a cover up for the pain I feel inside. I push back the emotions, which are attempting to kidnap me, to the farthest corner of my mind and paste on a bright smile. I tell myself over and over that I'm wanted, but I feel like I'm lying to myself. I've been transported back to the past. I find myself hiding out in the corners again, alone. I push myself to work harder, to do something, anything, to force myself to stop thinking. To make myself immune to the feelings that constantly plague me. Inside, I'm crying non-stop. But once I see someone, I'm a completely different person. I'm happy. I'm bubbly. I'm friendly. Funny. Quirky. I'm a picture perfect person - or so I make them think. On the inside, there's pain. Doubt. Anger. Judgmental thoughts. Fear - lots of it. Sin- tons of it. Insecurity is a part of me as much as my lungs are part of my body. I make myself believe I'm part of the busy world that's going on around me - but really, I'm looking at them through a crystal-clear glass wall. I'm on one side, they're on the other.
My heart thumps loudly in my chest. My hands feel cold and clammy as I grip the gun. I’m alone, I think to myself. Utterly alone, trapped in this big, dark room for who knows how long, especially because I don’t know where the exit is. I’m alone, helpless, and afraid. And very lost.
My heart is beating louder than a drum in blasting speakers. Frantically, I try to look around the corner and find my partner, who had been with me only minutes before. No avail. I can’t find anyone. I hear noise, but I don’t know which direction it’s coming from, or if it’s from the enemy. I’m doomed - trapped - abandoned. Goose bumps cover my arms as I look for a way out, ashamed to admit that I’m lost.
But my anxiety and fear of being forever left behind eventually takes over, and I call out my partner’s name. I’m embarrassed to find that my voice is squeaky and cracks.
Today we have a compelling testimony from a good friend and amazing brother in Christ, Ty. For those of you struggling with depression: you may feel alone, but you are NOT alone. There is one who wants to pick you up, comfort you, and show you how to live a life full of joy and love. There is more than what is right in front of you. God loves you as you are. I pray that the Holy Spirit would speak life into your life right now, and that you would feel His presence as you read this and throughout the rest of your life. Love you all <3
Before I start I’d like to thank With All of my heart for this opportunity, my family for staying by me, and, most importantly, Jesus Christ.
When I was younger I would often try to see if my friends were Christian. So I’d ask them, “Are you Christian?” They’d usually respond “yes” then I would often reply, “Oh, so what church do you go to?” Yet the response that I would always seem to get is, “Oh, I don’t go to church.” It wasn’t until this summer when I realized how important church really is for our walk with God.
To show this I’m going to take you throughout the toughest period of my life, and show you how the body of Christ helped save my life from my own hands.
"I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but take heart;
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"I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all of my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."