"I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast towards you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you, you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Okay...this story is kinda embarrassing haha but I’mma have to share it:
Soo I've never liked bugs. Correction: I'm scared of big bugs (little ones are cute...once we had a funeral for a roly-poly, complete with a song). Yesterday, I was in my online five a.m. class at home, participating and learning and that stuff (and eaaating) when I see this giant mosquito by my foot. AHH! In case you don't know, mosquitoes are those big bugs with a long needle like something for a mouth and they bite you and suck your blood and stuff. It's also caused a lot of diseases. But besides all that, it was a bug. I gave a little shriek (thank goodness my feet were covered by my blanket) and tried to scoot away from it. I don't know what I was thinking - I had headphones on for class and was pretty much stuck in front of the computer in the small room with a blood sucking mosquito right near me. And what if it laid its eggs in my water??
Unfortunately, the mosquito didn't just fly out. It decided it was going to fly around and around the room, running (do bugs run??) across the carpet at top speed, around my feet and the computer (AHH), but never out the door. There were moments when I didn't know where it was; I was terrified. I didn't want this man-eating bug to bite me! I was literally shaking and my throat was all dry. The mosquito continued to go around and around and then it started flying...
At that point I'm so scared I can't focus on my class. To make matters worse, since it's five thirty in the morning, my dad's not awake and can't kill it for me (I guess I better marry someone who can kill bugs for me...I'll be finding like spiders in my house and have to call him to come home from work to kill it for me while I hide in the pantry haha). I said to my teacher, "Is it okay if I brb? There's a mosquito in the room and I'm low-key terrified." Good thing my teacher is like the nicest person ever - she let me go. I pulled off my headphones, making sure the volume was on the loudest so that I could still hear the teacher talking. My heart pounding, I step out of the room carefully, leaving the door open, and grab our fly swatter from under the kitchen sink. I then proceed to creep back to the room, peeking inside to see if I can find it. Eventually, I see it at the opposite side of the room (which is only like seven steps away) and step inside.
Had the neighbors been awake and looked through my window, they would've seen me in the middle of the room, fly swatter raised, sweaty, and frantically looking around me, waiting for the mosquito to FINALLY stop moving long enough for me to attempt to kill it. It was like crawling over everything, and my heart is pounding like craaazyyy. I'm seriously afraid.
And then it decides to fly around me, and it gets so close to me I quietly scream (yes, you can quietly scream lol) and run out of the room...please don't judge me. I head to the kitchen. My heart is racing as I lean against the wall, trying to figure out what to do. I don't want to go back in, but I really don't want to miss my class.
And so, I stand right outside the door to the room and listen to my teacher talk through the blasting headphones. I still have the fly swatter in my hand. There is a literal tear that’s threatening to come out (pleaaase don’t judge me lol) and I don’t know if it was from the stress and fear of having a mosquito in the room or the fact that I really did not want to miss class. Or maybe it was because I only got five hours of sleep...
I can’t really remember what happened, but I somehow ended up back in the kitchen (not crying), armed with my fly swatter. And then, lucky me, that mosquito decides to come into the kitchen with me. Ha ha ha. Great. Wait, no...that’s GREAT! I head back to the room, shut the door and proceed with my class.
Usually when I finish class (at like 6:30) I do my work or something. Yeah...I went straight to bed, and shut that door too.
Turns out that while I was asleep, my younger sister found the mosquito, and reported it to my mom, who dutifully killed it. Just like that.
(With the fly swatter, I might add.)
I was afraid of a mosquito. I was afraid of this lil bug, half the size of my hand, which, worse case scenario, might give me a bug bite that would heal after a few days. I was so afraid I was shaking, and I couldn’t conquer it. I couldn’t kill it.
And so I let it control me. I ran away from it and let it roam about my house. I let this tiny mosquito rule my emotions and take over.
But when I really think about it, it’s not just bugs that I’m afraid of. There are many other tiny, harmless scenarios and things that make me afraid. But in the moment, they seem huge and deadly and threatening. They make me feel like I need to run and protect myself, when in reality I’m a hundred times bigger than it. I could’ve killed that bug with one blow - I mean, what’s stronger, me or this mosquito?
In the same way, maybe there’s something in your life that you’re letting control you. That you’re afraid of. Maybe you feel like there’s nothing to do but stay away from what makes you feel that way instead of facing it - and I getchu. I mean, I couldn’t even face a brainless mosquito!! But in reality, when we step back and step out of the moment, we are SO much stronger.
Why? Because the powah of JESUS is in you. And at the name of Jesus, fear must bow. Satan must flee. Chains must fall. We let our fears control us so often, when what we’re afraid of really should be the one being afraid - of us. But Satan wants to make us think that we’re the victim, that we’re the helpless one.
Don’t let your fear control you. Face it, even if that means taking just a baby step towards courage. And you know what? We are weak- but in Him we are strong. We get that strength and that courage from the Lord. But we can’t always wait for the peace to arrive - sometimes courage means pushing through those emotions and experiencing the peace after.
And, like with the mosquito, there is always the possibility of being bitten, of being pushed down. That's okay. God will be right there, next to you, ready to pick you up and get you back on your feet so you can try again. Sometimes we fail - but that's part of life! At least try. One bite is just one bite - we need to overcome it and get right back up.
Nowadays, I try to do three things when I'm afraid, and I hope you'll start reminding yourself of these truths, too:
1. Remember that God goes before you. Nothing that happens is a surprise to Him! He's already taken care of it <3
2. Remember that God is with you and will help you. He's got this! The God of the UNIVERSE is on your side. How much better can it get?! (Ps. 118:6)
3. Remember to pray and that God wants to personally help you! One of the coolest things is that God doesn't send a nanny or a butler or an angel to help us! He comes HIMSELF. Wowza!! (Isaiah 41:13)
I never thought I’d be praying for people I didn’t know or meeting people I knew nothing about. I was a shy, awkward, skinny kid who kept to herself. And now I love meeting people and praying for others - but I didn’t get there in one huge hop. It took time, and tears, and a lot of baby steps, and a whole lot of Jesus. It took a lot of obeying - and disobeying and facing the what if’s - the Holy Spirit’s voice even though my heart was pounding and my palms were sweaty and I had no idea what I was gonna say. I prayed for peace; sometimes it came, sometimes it didn’t. I had to face it anyway. But the feeling that I got after facing it - whoooooo. Joy, relief, peace, excitement, the feeling of achievement. The feeling that you just beat the devil and pushed him back. Don’t let him win. Test your fears - is what you’re afraid of worthy of your emotions? Is it actually something worthy of fear? Give it to God. Trust Him.
Who knows? Maybe it’s just a mosquito.
"I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but take heart;
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"I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all of my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."