"I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast towards you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you, you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.
hey :)) I just want to be really, really real with you all right now (and I thought this time I'd include a super real, unedited, bad quality photo from after I finished this instead of doing another "put together" pic ((: ).
I'm writing this with tears in my eyes. Truth be told - I just finished crying: another of those cries that no one but the Lord sees. Some of the thoughts that were previously going through my head were similar to these:
They don't care. She wouldn't even notice, even if you walked up to her, looked her in the face and had tears in your eyes. She's too busy for you. How would I have known?? I'm not that smart. I can't do it. I'm not good enough. I don't have anyone who I can truly run to. I need to be alone. I can't let them see me cry, cuz I don't even know exactly what I'm crying about! I'll never be good enough. I'm failing. No one sees me.
Ahhhh...I can't stop crying long enough to put my thoughts into words! One of the biggest lies that I often believe is that I'm not worthy - not worthy enough to be seen, cared about, etc. It's such a struggle to keep my head up sometimes, keep smiling, and keep on pouring into those who are depending on me (but that's okay!! God will be my strength, and it's okay to cry sometimes!) .
As I started crying (like 20 minutes from me writing these words) my first instinct was to hold it together until I could call my friend that I was going to pray with that night. My plan was to run to her for comfort. When she ended up being busy, my next plan was to run to another friend for comfort. But my time on my phone was running out, and she was doing the dishes anyway!
My tears were threatening to just spill out of my eyes as I inwardly screamed, "WHO am I going to run to, then??"
And - you know it - the Holy Spirit was like: Emma, run to me. I can comfort you. I'm available. Run to me. Go read your Bible.
Ahhhh. I tried one more time to get a hold of a friend, but to no avail. With my tears no longer able to stay in, I raced upstairs to my room and cried. And cried. I lay there for a little while, listening to music. I opened up my Bible, and - you know it! ;) - the place it "happened" to open up to was Psalm 71, one of my favorite Psalms. I whispered it out loud as tears slid down my cheeks, praying the Scripture over myself.
And then, I - well - I cried some more. And the Lord just reminded me as I cried that He saw my tears. He was with me.
But wow! The Lord is just so good. Shortly after, I "happened" to decide to go on Instagram and the post at the top was by my sweet friend from my online Spanish class. Her post was a poem, reminding people that they have permission to cry - but that there was still peace in the storms. Her poem just really resonated with me.
THEN I "happened" (but oh no, there are NO coincidences!) to check my email after crying some more, and there was a message from my sweet friend Caitlyn! She -
[Ahhjaljsodkjo the song Reckless Love/Even If just played and I just had to stop and worship!! I'm getting goose bumps - His peace is just so real and He is just so so good!! Ahhhh!!]
Hehe anyways, she sent me a text out of the blue just reminding me of my worth and that I was valued, wanted, and a blessing to others. HOW KIND IS OUR GOD?? Out of all the times she could've sent that - the Lord directed her to send that text in that exact moment, right when I was crying and doubting my worth!! Wowza! God just blows my mind!
BUT IT DOESN'T STOP THERE.
10-20 minutes later (I forget now), another friend texted through a group chat these simple words: Emma, you are amazing :)
DUDE!! How many "coincidences" can there be in the span of 40 minutes?? Can there be any doubt that God truly saw my tears, my heartache, my pain - and cared enough to send so many tangible reminders of my worth? Ahhh!! His peace is just so real! As I'm writing this part of the post, I am just so filled with peace - even with JOY! I'm smiling now. God sees me...GOD SEES ME!! He knows what I'm going through! SQUEEE!! There's just no words to express how good and amazing and kind and compassionate the God that we serve is!!
So to all of you struggling to hold it together ~ I encourage you to RUN TO JESUS. He is always available. He is ready to comfort you. He WANTS to help you!! How comforting that is! He wants to replace your heavy burdens with his light one and His easy yolk (Matthew 11:30). He is waiting for you. He cares about you. 1 Peter 5:7 says to "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." And uh, I don't know about you, but WOAH. The God of the Universe, the great I AM, the One who is in control over all things - He cares about lil ol' me. He cares about you. Woahhhhh! My mind's just blowing up right now. Wow. Wow wow wow.
HE SEES YOU. HE LOVES YOU. HE CARES!!
And my oh my are you AMAZING! Don't you ever forget that <3 Your life matters - the Lord has gifted and appointed you in a special, unique way for a special, unique purpose that only YOU can fulfill. YOUR LIFE MATTERS!!
Please, please, please ~ run to Jesus. If there's one thing you learn from this whole blog, I pray that it'd be to run to Jesus.
That is one of the most important skills you could ever learn.
"I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but take heart;
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"I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all of my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."