I played those final notes wrong. I passed all of those balls horribly today in practice. I missed every hit. I overcooked it again. I totally failed that speech. I didn't say enough. I said way too much. I didn't play those last notes right.
For pretty much as long as I can remember, I've tied my performance, my talents and my outward appearance to my worth. I guess part of it is the fact that some people assume I'm "perfect" - and so when I'm not, (which is like all the time), I think I've lost who I am. I've subconsciously told myself basically that if I didn't play well, look cute and act right, no one would like me.
And if no one liked me, I must be a...a failure.
A nobody. Just another average person in the daily life. I had to stand out and do something admirable to be worthy and something. If I didn't play volleyball well or had an off-day, then I must be the worst player and no good and everyone would look down on me. If I wore my black-rimmed glasses and looked less than stellar and put together, then people wouldn't want to be around me. Boys would stop liking me. If I played those notes wrong on the worship night, nobody would want to play with me again.
I'd lose their respect.
Heyyy family! I just got back last week from Costa Rica and let me just say that God is SOOO GOOD. Like wow. I could go on and on about the trip, but I'ma save that for a later post (more like postss because there's soo much!!). Today, though, I wanted to share something that actually happened before I left.
When I was young, I was often by myself. We'd go to events or family dinners or parties, and I would be in the corner, alone. It wasn't necessarily that people didn't want me to join them. It may have been because I, as a shy kid, was too afraid to join. But I never thought of that then - I just kinda felt left out all the time and doubted myself.
Even though I'm much older now, I still have scars from that. I still hurt from it (though not as much) It still pops up every now and then. Insecurity is so real and feeling left out is something that a ton of people feel but only a few talk about!
A few days/weeks (I forget) before leaving on my trip, an image popped into my mind (no coincidence, fam!).
I fight back the tears, using anything I can as a cover up for the pain I feel inside. I push back the emotions, which are attempting to kidnap me, to the farthest corner of my mind and paste on a bright smile. I tell myself over and over that I'm wanted, but I feel like I'm lying to myself. I've been transported back to the past. I find myself hiding out in the corners again, alone. I push myself to work harder, to do something, anything, to force myself to stop thinking. To make myself immune to the feelings that constantly plague me. Inside, I'm crying non-stop. But once I see someone, I'm a completely different person. I'm happy. I'm bubbly. I'm friendly. Funny. Quirky. I'm a picture perfect person - or so I make them think. On the inside, there's pain. Doubt. Anger. Judgmental thoughts. Fear - lots of it. Sin- tons of it. Insecurity is a part of me as much as my lungs are part of my body. I make myself believe I'm part of the busy world that's going on around me - but really, I'm looking at them through a crystal-clear glass wall. I'm on one side, they're on the other.
If church is where God is, why do I feel so alone there? If Christians are called to love everyone, why do I feel unwanted? If they say I'm "smart," why am I failing? If God is my strength, why am I so exhausted - physically, mentally, and spiritually? If God is always speaking to us, why do I feel so empty? If my friends, who text me, saying I'm "funny" and "amazing" and all that, say all these nice things, why don't they ever talk to me in person? Why does no one look as excited to see me as they are when they see other people? Why am I constantly alone, even though I've been in this place for more than a year? My friend, who I've known for years - why does he say goodbye to my younger sister with a big hug and nothing to me, who's standing right next to her, not even a simple "Bye"?
My heart thumps loudly in my chest. My hands feel cold and clammy as I grip the gun. I’m alone, I think to myself. Utterly alone, trapped in this big, dark room for who knows how long, especially because I don’t know where the exit is. I’m alone, helpless, and afraid. And very lost.
It's the last day of the Watch Them Fall series! I pray that the Holy Spirit has spoken to you in many ways through this and that you learned something from these posts. I love you all and will continue to keep you in my prayers :) God bless, and enjoy this last post!
Questions are lined up side by side, one on top of the other. My soul processes them and call them worthless, my brain processes them and call them neutral, my heart processes them and keeps them. Three different filters to go through, three different outcomes. Three sides, all opposing one another. A friend walks in. Four filters, four outcomes, four sides. Social media pops up. Five filters, five outcomes, five sides. A parent rushes in. Six filters, six outcomes, six sides. Another person, and another, and another. The devil sneaks in, disguised as an angel. Ten filters, ten outcomes, ten sides, ten influences. The Holy Spirit takes over - eleven filters, eleven outcomes, eleven sides, eleven influences. Ten lies. One truth.
"I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but take heart;
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"I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all of my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."