"I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast towards you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you, you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.
hey :)) I just want to be really, really real with you all right now (and I thought this time I'd include a super real, unedited, bad quality photo from after I finished this instead of doing another "put together" pic ((: ).
I'm writing this with tears in my eyes. Truth be told - I just finished crying: another of those cries that no one but the Lord sees. Some of the thoughts that were previously going through my head were similar to these:
They don't care. She wouldn't even notice, even if you walked up to her, looked her in the face and had tears in your eyes. She's too busy for you. How would I have known?? I'm not that smart. I can't do it. I'm not good enough. I don't have anyone who I can truly run to. I need to be alone. I can't let them see me cry, cuz I don't even know exactly what I'm crying about! I'll never be good enough. I'm failing. No one sees me.
I played those final notes wrong. I passed all of those balls horribly today in practice. I missed every hit. I overcooked it again. I totally failed that speech. I didn't say enough. I said way too much. I didn't play those last notes right.
For pretty much as long as I can remember, I've tied my performance, my talents and my outward appearance to my worth. I guess part of it is the fact that some people assume I'm "perfect" - and so when I'm not, (which is like all the time), I think I've lost who I am. I've subconsciously told myself basically that if I didn't play well, look cute and act right, no one would like me.
And if no one liked me, I must be a...a failure.
A nobody. Just another average person in the daily life. I had to stand out and do something admirable to be worthy and something. If I didn't play volleyball well or had an off-day, then I must be the worst player and no good and everyone would look down on me. If I wore my black-rimmed glasses and looked less than stellar and put together, then people wouldn't want to be around me. Boys would stop liking me. If I played those notes wrong on the worship night, nobody would want to play with me again.
I'd lose their respect.
I fight back the tears, using anything I can as a cover up for the pain I feel inside. I push back the emotions, which are attempting to kidnap me, to the farthest corner of my mind and paste on a bright smile. I tell myself over and over that I'm wanted, but I feel like I'm lying to myself. I've been transported back to the past. I find myself hiding out in the corners again, alone. I push myself to work harder, to do something, anything, to force myself to stop thinking. To make myself immune to the feelings that constantly plague me. Inside, I'm crying non-stop. But once I see someone, I'm a completely different person. I'm happy. I'm bubbly. I'm friendly. Funny. Quirky. I'm a picture perfect person - or so I make them think. On the inside, there's pain. Doubt. Anger. Judgmental thoughts. Fear - lots of it. Sin- tons of it. Insecurity is a part of me as much as my lungs are part of my body. I make myself believe I'm part of the busy world that's going on around me - but really, I'm looking at them through a crystal-clear glass wall. I'm on one side, they're on the other.
If church is where God is, why do I feel so alone there? If Christians are called to love everyone, why do I feel unwanted? If they say I'm "smart," why am I failing? If God is my strength, why am I so exhausted - physically, mentally, and spiritually? If God is always speaking to us, why do I feel so empty? If my friends, who text me, saying I'm "funny" and "amazing" and all that, say all these nice things, why don't they ever talk to me in person? Why does no one look as excited to see me as they are when they see other people? Why am I constantly alone, even though I've been in this place for more than a year? My friend, who I've known for years - why does he say goodbye to my younger sister with a big hug and nothing to me, who's standing right next to her, not even a simple "Bye"?
I'm alone. I'm abandoned. No one wants me. No one cares about me. I'm a failure. I'm not good enough.
My head is pounding as these thoughts ram against my heart, one by one. My throat is tight, but I'm not sick. The tears start to fall.
As I'm battling this invisible force, something my new friend told me the other day comes to mind. I envision a baseball, with the words I'd been dragging myself down with written on it. The words failure, alone, unwanted, unloved, not good enough stick out at me and threaten to drive me to tears again. But as I envision this baseball, with all the negative words on it, coming at me at full speed, I grab out my bat - the word of God - and I take a swing. And that ball is off - away from me. Statement after statement, I shoot it down with God's truth.
No, I am never alone. God will never leave me nor forsake me. He is always with me, even when it doesn't feel like it. I am not alone.
I wonder what it'd be like to be unstoppable. To be pushed down, and immediately get back up, without hesitation, and never give up. I wonder what it's like to have fullness of joy. To mourn with those who mourn, but with the presence of joy and the hope of the future. To be joyful, even when everything is taken away and I'm all alone, without friends or family. I wonder what it's like to be free of worry. To completely, wholeheartedly trust God with my life, my future, and my every second. To never stay up nights worrying over the next day's event. To be free from anxiety. I wonder what it's like to walk in true freedom, free from the bonds of Satan and free from the bonds I put myself in. What's it like to be fearless? What's it like to be free of guilt? Free of the pressure from the world?
But then I wonder, why am I wondering about this? I could change this right now. No, GOD could change this right now. I'm nothing without God - God is unstoppable, God is the giver of joy, God never worries and is 1000+% worthy of my trust, God is love- and there is no fear in love. God is full of grace and love and He loves us as we are, as we fail to be like the person next door to us.
God is UNSTOPPABLE.
Umm...I don't mean to be negative here, but, uh, can I really be unstoppable, and all those things just listed? Is there really more than the life I'm living right now?
It's the last day of the Watch Them Fall series! I pray that the Holy Spirit has spoken to you in many ways through this and that you learned something from these posts. I love you all and will continue to keep you in my prayers :) God bless, and enjoy this last post!
Questions are lined up side by side, one on top of the other. My soul processes them and call them worthless, my brain processes them and call them neutral, my heart processes them and keeps them. Three different filters to go through, three different outcomes. Three sides, all opposing one another. A friend walks in. Four filters, four outcomes, four sides. Social media pops up. Five filters, five outcomes, five sides. A parent rushes in. Six filters, six outcomes, six sides. Another person, and another, and another. The devil sneaks in, disguised as an angel. Ten filters, ten outcomes, ten sides, ten influences. The Holy Spirit takes over - eleven filters, eleven outcomes, eleven sides, eleven influences. Ten lies. One truth.
"I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but take heart;
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"I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all of my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."