I fight back the tears, using anything I can as a cover up for the pain I feel inside. I push back the emotions, which are attempting to kidnap me, to the farthest corner of my mind and paste on a bright smile. I tell myself over and over that I'm wanted, but I feel like I'm lying to myself. I've been transported back to the past. I find myself hiding out in the corners again, alone. I push myself to work harder, to do something, anything, to force myself to stop thinking. To make myself immune to the feelings that constantly plague me. Inside, I'm crying non-stop. But once I see someone, I'm a completely different person. I'm happy. I'm bubbly. I'm friendly. Funny. Quirky. I'm a picture perfect person - or so I make them think. On the inside, there's pain. Doubt. Anger. Judgmental thoughts. Fear - lots of it. Sin- tons of it. Insecurity is a part of me as much as my lungs are part of my body. I make myself believe I'm part of the busy world that's going on around me - but really, I'm looking at them through a crystal-clear glass wall. I'm on one side, they're on the other.
I'm left out of their world. The world that includes plans, parties, conversations, laughter - why am I so useless? Why does nobody care? I thought I had managed to keep this insecurity in only one part of my life -the part that comes around in the fall and only those three months - why is it creeping into my safe places? Church. That's where I should feel the safest. Why do I feel unwanted? Home. My family loves me as I am and sees me as I am - or most of it. Why am I so afraid there, when there's no reason to be? Why am I the most afraid of being myself when I'm around them? Friends. Why am I starting to be afraid of being who I really am? Why does it feel like the ones I thought were my friends are merely using me? Talking to me only because they have a crush on me? Can get something from me? My quiet time. Why can't I hear God?? I used to hear so much, to learn so much - to truly hunger and thirst after Him. Did I do something wrong?
What's happening to me?! What did I do? Life used to be picture perfect - or did it? Or was that merely what I let people see - so much that they parroted it back to me? Did I tell people I was okay so much that I started to believe it? Why am I afraid of admitting I am that six letter word that I cannot say out loud? That I can't admit to myself? That I can't admit to anyone else? I'm a Christian - I should be put-together and joyful because I have God. I can't be it, I don't have time to be it. I need to help people, how can I do that when I am it? No one else ever says that they are it - why should I? Is it even okay to feel this way? What's the point of even living, if it's this?
Am I really unwanted, or is that what Satan is telling me? Am I really so messed up that I’m no use to anyone? Did I really do something wrong to deserve God’s silence?
Or is this all part of Satan’s big lie?
My youth worship mentor tells us that whenever Satan's in our face, we're going the right direction. Welp, right now, he's just spitting lies at me, one after another. So... I guess I’m going in the right direction. But why does God feel silent? We are supposed to go through trials so that we can learn. But silence? Although…Psalms talks a lot about how David felt God was being silent, so it’s normal, part of helping us grow in our faith. And me being messed up – how could I help someone if I couldn't relate to their struggles? If I was "perfect"?
When I'm dealing with insecurity, I like to combat everything with God's truth. My friend, the same one who told me about the baseball bat in the previous post, told us to make a chart, with the things of Satan on one side and the things of God on the other. Whenever the devil whispers something into my ear, I get right back at him with the word of GOD - and he flees. I'll show you an example in a future post.
God accepts us even when we're messed up. Truth be told, we're never going to be perfect. But don't dwell on your messedupness- keep your focus on GOD. When we keep our focus on ourselves, that’s when we fall into anxiety and depression. And remember: there is true comfort and joy in Jesus. Despite your feelings, God’s view of you never changes. Feelings can be very deceitful.
Another thing I remind myself is that through my brokenness, I can help someone else. Someone else has gone through what I have, and I can help them by sharing my experiences. Everyone's secretly struggling. I mean, what you see on social media or even in person is only a small sliver of what that person really is - and most likely, it's the perfect side of them that you see. Family, you're not alone. You're not the only one with anxiety. You're not the only one battling depression. You're not the only one afraid. Insecure. Angry. And most of the things that are pulling you down are LIES. Don't believe them.
And maybe I am messed up, struggling, afraid, and feel like I'm beyond repair. But God loves me as I am. God loves you as you are. Be sure to know who you are in Christ so that you can know what isn’t!!
It's okay to be broken.
"I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but take heart;
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"I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all of my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."