"I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast towards you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you, you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.
hey :)) I just want to be really, really real with you all right now (and I thought this time I'd include a super real, unedited, bad quality photo from after I finished this instead of doing another "put together" pic ((: ).
I'm writing this with tears in my eyes. Truth be told - I just finished crying: another of those cries that no one but the Lord sees. Some of the thoughts that were previously going through my head were similar to these:
They don't care. She wouldn't even notice, even if you walked up to her, looked her in the face and had tears in your eyes. She's too busy for you. How would I have known?? I'm not that smart. I can't do it. I'm not good enough. I don't have anyone who I can truly run to. I need to be alone. I can't let them see me cry, cuz I don't even know exactly what I'm crying about! I'll never be good enough. I'm failing. No one sees me.
On the very first day of January, I prayed that God would give me a word for this year. As I prayed, the word contentment came to mind. Honestly, I was like, "Uhmm, God, I already know how to be content! Why is that my word?"
But then a bunch of hard seasons got thrown in my path, and I learned real fast that I don't know what it means to truly be content and have joy no matter what!
It seems so controversial to actually, what - be happy while everything we've looked forward to and depended on gets cancelled! It's one of those things that are DEFINITELY easier said then done!
I stare at the video of the couple on Instagram. I listen to a song about loveee (oooh). I watch a rom-com - my favorite kind of movieee (ugh, they're so cuteee!). I walk around at the mall, and see tons of girls holding guys' hands.
Hm. I'm single.
I don't dress well enough for a boyfriend, you say? One sec - let me just look through my clothes and find a cute outfit. Ooh, yes...perfect.
I'm not pretty enough? Okay, let me put on some makeup. Let me wear contacts, because my glasses make me look bad and no guy would like me looking like that. Wait- gotta check the mirror one last time to see if I still look good.
Oh, I'm still not good enough? The guy of my dreams doesn't like me still?Hmm...okay, let me ask Google what guys are looking for. Do I need to change my personality? Do I need to like the same things as they do? Do I need to talk in a different way? Do I need to flirt more? WHAT IS IT??
Oof. Talk about tiring!! But I actually kinda really sorta really did this. I was so obsessed with the idea of dating, I missed countless opportunities to glorify God, instead choosing to try to catch a guy's attention.
And even when a guy did start liking me, I decided I actually didn't like that guy so much and tried to shake him off. An endless cycle.
I actually wrote the beginning of this post a month or so ago, but didn't finish it because, well - I was still struggling with it. My friends can definitely tell you that I was pretty much boy-crazy!
In the past few months, I really started noticing it and praying that God would help me to keep my eyes on Him instead of seeking attention and constantly worrying about guys and having boyfriends and relationships. One day I just prayed, "God, if you want me to be single - even for all my life - would you please make at peace with this? If this is what you want, would you help me to be okay with being single?"
AND WOW. GOD ANSWERED THAT PRAYER, ABOVE AND BEYOND WHAT I COULD HAVE IMAGINED!
"I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but take heart;
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"I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all of my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."