"I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast towards you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you, you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.
I stare at the video of the couple on Instagram. I listen to a song about loveee (oooh). I watch a rom-com - my favorite kind of movieee (ugh, they're so cuteee!). I walk around at the mall, and see tons of girls holding guys' hands.
Hm. I'm single.
I don't dress well enough for a boyfriend, you say? One sec - let me just look through my clothes and find a cute outfit. Ooh, yes...perfect.
I'm not pretty enough? Okay, let me put on some makeup. Let me wear contacts, because my glasses make me look bad and no guy would like me looking like that. Wait- gotta check the mirror one last time to see if I still look good.
Oh, I'm still not good enough? The guy of my dreams doesn't like me still?Hmm...okay, let me ask Google what guys are looking for. Do I need to change my personality? Do I need to like the same things as they do? Do I need to talk in a different way? Do I need to flirt more? WHAT IS IT??
Oof. Talk about tiring!! But I actually kinda really sorta really did this. I was so obsessed with the idea of dating, I missed countless opportunities to glorify God, instead choosing to try to catch a guy's attention.
And even when a guy did start liking me, I decided I actually didn't like that guy so much and tried to shake him off. An endless cycle.
I actually wrote the beginning of this post a month or so ago, but didn't finish it because, well - I was still struggling with it. My friends can definitely tell you that I was pretty much boy-crazy!
In the past few months, I really started noticing it and praying that God would help me to keep my eyes on Him instead of seeking attention and constantly worrying about guys and having boyfriends and relationships. One day I just prayed, "God, if you want me to be single - even for all my life - would you please make at peace with this? If this is what you want, would you help me to be okay with being single?"
AND WOW. GOD ANSWERED THAT PRAYER, ABOVE AND BEYOND WHAT I COULD HAVE IMAGINED!
During Holy Week (Easter Week), I took a break from screens so that I could press into the Word more and pray and be refreshed and truly rest. During that time, I came across a book on purity called Before You Meet Prince Charming. And like, wowwww. God really really spoke to me through it!! My perspective has completely changed.
So today, I thought I'd share what I wrote in my journal after that week (and a few added thoughts here and there) I pray the Holy Spirit speaks to you through it! (also, to clarify, when I talk about being free, I don't mean that guys are like awful or anything - I'm referring to the fact that I was obsessed, and being free from that. I have nothinggg against guys themselves!)
I read Before You Meet Prince Charming and it changed my perspective SO MUCH!! God really spoke to me through it, and I feel like I'm living in a whole new world!! It's as if I finally took off my dirty glasses and replaced them with crystal clear ones.
I've struggled a lot with thinking about guys aaaallllll the time and doing literally everything out of a desire to get their attention and like me.
God unraveled all that during Holy Week (Easter week). I learned so much reading this book! I learned that it's SELFISH and hurtful to lead a guy on and encourage him when I don't actually like him. I learned about how these years of singleness are REALLY precious and valuable and a huge, huge gift! I should spend it wisely, serving and growing and preparing - because one of the best ways I can prepare for marriage is through serving! In these special years, I can keep my focus solely on the Lord and don't have to be divided in my attention (1 Cor. 7). I can serve the Lord with everything I've got! What an opportunity!
I learned that I don't need to date right now - I prolly won't be ready to marry for years! That's so much time to serve and focus solely on the Lord and pour into other young ladies! What an opportunity!!
I also learned how important it is to guard your heart, especially because it's so easy to give away. I've done that and shared too much and formed attachments - not good - and not wise! I learned about fighting lies with Bible verses and using bad thoughts or just normal thoughts about guys as a springboard to prayyy! Then, the devil will have to think twice about tempting me!
It's by God's grace that I AM FREE from that bondage and that my eyes have been opened! Though I "knew" a lot of that stuff before, I never truly understood it until NOW! God is so good!!
Aiieee I'm just so re-energized and alive and excited. I set boundaries with friendships and with guys, and it's so safe having something like that - I feel so safe! Also, through Sarah Mally's book on purity, I was reminded of how IMPORTANT & WISE my parents are!! I've been praying for a mentor for a while, but God showed me that I already have one in my parents! And just how important it is to stay under their protection! ;))
I just fell in love with God even moreee!! I could spend so much time with Him - God is so good!! I FEEL SO ALIVE!! I hope and pray that I won't slack off or lose passion for Him. But if I do, I will continue to obey and seek Him because FAITH IS NOT BASED ON FEELINGS! NO SIR!
I want to make every minute and every word count! I want to use my phone as a tool to love others well and serve. I want to be all-out for the LORD, and be willing to stand alone!
OH another thing on Friday, I surrendered my future and love life to God again and I told Him that I want whatever He wants. Earlier too I prayed that He would make me at peace if He wants me to be single - and I am at peace! There are no vacancies in my heart; God has filled every one! There's nothing a guy - or ANY human - can do to make me worth more or less! The Lord has already determined my worth. I don't need to prove myself.
Aaahhh there's just so much!! God is SO SO SO GOOD!! I feel so renewed!
I am freeeeee! Wow!! It feels so good. And it's incredible that none of it was my doing - it was all the Lord. He changed my perspective, He changed my heart, He opened my eyes! WOW!! God is so good!!
And wow - prayer really works. GOD really is working, even when I can't see it.
THANK YOU, JESUS!
Before I finish, here are a few things that I've been learning:
1. Only the Lord can fill the vacancies in my heart. NO ONE ELSE CAN.
2. I don't have to prove myself - in fact, I have nothing to prove! Every good thing I am, I am because of the Lord!
3. If I'm not fully satisfied in God while I'm single, I won't be fully satisfied when I'm dating/married.
4. EVERYTHING that I need I ALREADY have in Christ! I don't need anyone else to fulfill me!
5. I don't need to dress a certain way or act a certain way to attract a guy. The guy that truly loves and honors God will look past my appearance and love me for who I am. And - and and and!! The Lord DELIGHTS in me! Wow!
6. Don't settle. Wait on the Lord! His plan is always best :))
7. Prayer is POWERFUL. The Lord truly hears and answers prayers! Sometimes it takes time, but I need to keep on pressing into Him and praying and trusting in His perfect timing :)
8. Guys - and humans in general - can never make me happy. I've tried! It doesn't work. Only in the Lord is there true joy!
I'm praying for you all! Please feel free to reach out to me and let me know how I can be praying for you :)
"I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but take heart;
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"I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all of my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."