"I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast towards you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you, you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory.
hey :)) I just want to be really, really real with you all right now (and I thought this time I'd include a super real, unedited, bad quality photo from after I finished this instead of doing another "put together" pic ((: ).
I'm writing this with tears in my eyes. Truth be told - I just finished crying: another of those cries that no one but the Lord sees. Some of the thoughts that were previously going through my head were similar to these:
They don't care. She wouldn't even notice, even if you walked up to her, looked her in the face and had tears in your eyes. She's too busy for you. How would I have known?? I'm not that smart. I can't do it. I'm not good enough. I don't have anyone who I can truly run to. I need to be alone. I can't let them see me cry, cuz I don't even know exactly what I'm crying about! I'll never be good enough. I'm failing. No one sees me.
On the very first day of January, I prayed that God would give me a word for this year. As I prayed, the word contentment came to mind. Honestly, I was like, "Uhmm, God, I already know how to be content! Why is that my word?"
But then a bunch of hard seasons got thrown in my path, and I learned real fast that I don't know what it means to truly be content and have joy no matter what!
It seems so controversial to actually, what - be happy while everything we've looked forward to and depended on gets cancelled! It's one of those things that are DEFINITELY easier said then done!
I stare at the video of the couple on Instagram. I listen to a song about loveee (oooh). I watch a rom-com - my favorite kind of movieee (ugh, they're so cuteee!). I walk around at the mall, and see tons of girls holding guys' hands.
Hm. I'm single.
I don't dress well enough for a boyfriend, you say? One sec - let me just look through my clothes and find a cute outfit. Ooh, yes...perfect.
I'm not pretty enough? Okay, let me put on some makeup. Let me wear contacts, because my glasses make me look bad and no guy would like me looking like that. Wait- gotta check the mirror one last time to see if I still look good.
Oh, I'm still not good enough? The guy of my dreams doesn't like me still?Hmm...okay, let me ask Google what guys are looking for. Do I need to change my personality? Do I need to like the same things as they do? Do I need to talk in a different way? Do I need to flirt more? WHAT IS IT??
Oof. Talk about tiring!! But I actually kinda really sorta really did this. I was so obsessed with the idea of dating, I missed countless opportunities to glorify God, instead choosing to try to catch a guy's attention.
And even when a guy did start liking me, I decided I actually didn't like that guy so much and tried to shake him off. An endless cycle.
I actually wrote the beginning of this post a month or so ago, but didn't finish it because, well - I was still struggling with it. My friends can definitely tell you that I was pretty much boy-crazy!
In the past few months, I really started noticing it and praying that God would help me to keep my eyes on Him instead of seeking attention and constantly worrying about guys and having boyfriends and relationships. One day I just prayed, "God, if you want me to be single - even for all my life - would you please make at peace with this? If this is what you want, would you help me to be okay with being single?"
AND WOW. GOD ANSWERED THAT PRAYER, ABOVE AND BEYOND WHAT I COULD HAVE IMAGINED!
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
Yawnnnn. After snoozing my alarm a few times, I jumped out of bed. Walking over to the table, I sat down, opened my prayer journal, and pulled out a pen.
I asked the Holy Spirit what He wanted to tell me that day, and I felt like He was telling me to trust Him - which to me didn't really make sense, because there wasn't really anything out of the ordinary that was supposed to happen that day.
It was my favorite day of the week - Thursday, which meant co-op, which was when I got to see my homeschool friends and go to some of my favorite classes.
But, uh, okay, Holy Spirit, if you want me to trust you, then sure, I'll trust you.
Fast forward an hour or so: I'm at my class day (co-op) now, and I'm trying to get some school done while I wait for my class to start in about an hour. Perfectly normal. I'm getting excited about some of my classes especially, and I just can't wait for it all to starttt!
And then, my mom walks over to me, and her words make my heart sink.
wow. It's been three months! Thank you all for being so patient with me!! ;) In these past few months, God has been teaching me SO much!! The top three things, I would say, are:
1. Keep on trusting Him, even in the unknown.
2. Guys won't ever complete me - nothing and no one can but the Lord. No matter who likes me, or who doesn't, I already have EVERYTHING I need in Jesus Christ! My worth is not dependent on guys or what others say!
3. I DON'T have it all together. I'm not perfect, and I have so much to learn!
Over the next few weeks, I'm hoping to go over each one of those more in depth. But today, Iet me just brag a lil bit about how GOOD and FAITHFUL God has been!! (also sorry in advance for the long post...trying to catch y'all up on what God has been doing so I can keep moving forward in future posts!)
Okay. Guys, wow. God has been so good this year!! ;)
Oki, but if I'm honest, life has been tough and wayyy unpredictable this year. My best friend moved away at the end of last year, and it's been tough without her, tough communicating, tough staying positive and hopeful sometimes.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Whooo. What a year! Okay...honestly I can't even remember half the things I did xD. What I do remember, though, is that God was sooo faithful each and every day! He never left my side, never let me go, never stopped loving me or forgiving me. I am SO grateful for that!
Out of everything I learned this year, I think one of the most important lessons was learning to rely on God and trust Him more. So many times I caught myself trying to do it on my own strength. So many times I tried to forge my own path and make my own plan. But always, in the end, I had to come running back to my Savior, because I just couldn't do it. It was that simple. I can't and never will be able to do anything on my own; it's all God.
"I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation, but take heart;
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"I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all of my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."